Week of confusion

25 September 2022

“Sad Bops” Spotify Playlist

It's definitely an interesting choice to start writing “week notes” during a week in which little has happened due to intense depression; but omitting the bad stuff wouldn't give anyone a full picture of “James”.

On Monday morning, I flew from Berlin back to my home in London after a brief but wonderful weekend with a person I'm dating. Having to leave her would have been emotional enough, but I also had to deal with a delayed flight and difficult transport within London itself thanks to the Queen deciding to die and have her funeral that day.

I've always been anti-monarchy but seeing all this fuss and watching the Conservative government use her death as an excuse to ignore the serious crises we have (energy, health, food etc.) in this country really cemented things for me. It's certainly been mind-blowing to see folk in my community I'd generally assume were anti-royal (trans, queer, disabled people et al.) bend over backwards to show their support for a regime that has never lifted a finger for them.

It's a shame to see that nuance isn't a skill most of us have, as people think me publically denouncing such a regime means I am glad a person has died. It's sad when people die, it's also sad when that person is responsible for the hardship of others and is literally the face of colonialism.

In May, my three-year monogamous relationship came to end. Though sad and something I'm still working through in therapy it also kickstarted some needed introspection and growth, as well as a reexploration of polyamory and what it means to me.

I've tried polyamory once before, it was very unsuccessful and led me to believe that it wasn't right for me. Through therapy and seeing friends participate in healthy and nourishing polyamory, I realised that the problems I experienced in polyamory are the same I experienced in monogamy: poor communication.

I am now pleased to say I am dating two people, one of which has been really influential on my trying polyamory again in the first place. I want to practice a polyamory that is non-hierarchical and filled with love and open communication, and seeing her practice that has been an inspiration to my own practice and also an inspiration to start dating her.

However, it's not all sunshine. I'm still healing from my previous relationship, one of the people I am dating lives in another country and the other, despite living in the same city as me, is recovering from major surgery so we won't be seeing eachother for a while. It sometimes feels easier to be completely alone than it is to have people who care for you that are inaccessible, but I'd still rather have these people in my life than not.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how to grow my following on Twitter. I've always seen twitter followers as a form of validation (unhealthy? Sure!) so seeing the number go up is satisfying, but I also just miss having a more coherent community on the platform. My follower count has been stagnant for a few years now once I stopped participating in open souce and being very tech-focused and spent more time talking about my feelings as well as the global political climate.

I don't know what my current or potential followers want from me as despite having (at the time of writing) 3,936 followers; I receive very little engagement on the variety of topics I write about. It shouldn't matter to me, but it does. If nothing else, I hate not knowing the answer to something and the question of “people” has plagued me for many years.

I suppose this whole week note and likely other week notes to come revolves around that: people confuse me, and I do not like that. Please stop it!